berat saye

well since aku msk sini dlu aku ada menyimpan azam sbenarnye. tapi kalo nk diikutkn dr dulu lg azam nh aku pasang, tp dah sepuluh taun dah, x penah2 terapai pon. Nh la akibat die kalo menadikan melantak sebagai hobi. Isu nh sbenarnye bkn aku sorg je yg jd mangsa, ramai lagi kanak2 lam dunia mempunyai masalah obesiti. tapi aku x pnah la pulak capai tahap tuh, just berbadan agak gemok nh byk mengurangkan confident level aku, nk pkai bju pn x smart nk kne gelebeh ikut ukuran perut bagai kn.

aidilfitri

Sepanjang aku idup nh so far aku rs segala mcm salah aku da wat ngan ramai org kut. So since masih lam syawal nh, wajar rsnye kalo aku mtk maaf ngan korg sume. Aku tau bahasa aku mmg kesat sket, err maybe banyak, tapi tuh sume xde niat ape2 pn, cuma cara aku meng express kn diri aku tuh agak radikal dan berlebih2. biasa la cite kalo x taruk bom sket mne meletup kn. Sempena aidilfitri taun nh, korg maafkn ksalahan aku yg lpas2 k, trutama geng2 UPNM dlu, aku da byk wat taik kt korg, harap2 xde la org nk bdendam ngan aku dh. Maybe da bukan rezeki aku nk bersama2 ngan korg menjaga bumi malaysia nh dari lanun(haha). sedeh2, sket lg nk abih kn, sayang gle kn, dulu ms awal2 dlu ble tgk senior or budak2 kte angkat beg kuar dr kem, aku x pnah tpikir or tbayang pun aku akan jd salah sorg dr pegawai kadet bersara. ape leh wat kn x sume yg kte plan akan jadi kenyataan. ape2 pun tahniah la kt korg sbb dapat habiskn study korg kt sana. nnt terserempak kapal aku kt laut bunyi la fog horn sket (haha). macam tulis wasiat lak kn, takpe la main point die aku nk mtk maaf je n aku sgt kesal ngan peristiwa yg berlaku sblum nh.

mintak maaf mmg snang kn, yg ssh sbenarnye nk maafkn. dlu masa skola, (mrsm lngkawi) aku ada mmbe yg kamceng, ms form 4 dlu, aku nh lam kategori sampah skolah gak la slalu cr pasal ngan undang2 skolah, smpai satu masa nh aku da insap dh, ms awal2 form 4 tuh honeymoon dlu, da ujung2 muncul lak keinsafan sbb pikir spm dh nk dekat, so dr setan trus tukar jd malaikat. walhal ms tuh mmbe2 aku yg len masih mengekalkn identiti samseng dorg, so aku blah meninggalkn dorg, n mulekn idup skema. malangnye x sume org snang ngan perubahan aku nh, so nk dijadikn cite, kwn2 sehidup semati aku nh memulekn perang saraf ngan aku, pelbagai tohmahan la yg aku terima dr dorg, aku pun x phm pe la yg dorg bengkek sgt ngan aku nh. dulu kamcak bkn maen, rokok sebatang sanggup pancung 15 org kn, tdo skatil sume. tbe2 da btuka jd musuh lak kn, sbb x thn ngan suasana yg sentiasa dlm keadaan tekanan aku pun tuka la skola. tp tu sume cite dlu, cite skang nh, lpas da btaun2 last2 jmpe la blk kn, tambah2 time raya cmnh, secara btolnye xde la sume bermusuh ngan aku just mmbe2 sesamseng dlu je, ngan mmbe2 yg neutral or dak2 baik nh aku mmg slalu lepak pn, disebabkn sume bkwn so yg bermusuh nh pn trjmpe skali la ms g open house bagai kn, ble jmpe tuh xde la nk masam muke lg kn, bnde pn da lme, zmn skolah dlu kut, xkn nk ungkit2 lg, tp problem die satu je, org kalo da pnah wat taik ngan ko leh ke snang2 nk baik2 pastu brtepuk tampar bagai kn? x logik la plak, pelik tul aku, cmne la die leh wat cm xde ape2 yg brlaku n sembang mcm aku mmbe rapat die lak kn?sumpah aku x slesa, stakat nk senyum2 tuh bleh, nk bsembang lebeh2 tuh sori la bro.

tu pasal kawan, nh pasal adik aku lak. aku pnah cite psl adik aku yg agak kurg sopan ngan brader die nh kn dlu. da raye2 nh, pg raye tuh before g smayang raye cm biasa la abah aku panggil sume la nk braye n bermaaf-maafan kn, aku pun salam ngan abah aku, pastu ngan mak aku, sebak je rs, puas aku thn air mata masa mtk maaf ngan mak aku tuh, kalo x jatuh abis la kelakian aku kn nanges pagi2 raya (haha). Then, smpai turn adik aku lak, abah aku cm tau2 je, "tu salam la ngan abang" adik aku pun salam la, cium tgn aku " mtk maaf abang" pastu dia tgk aku, "ermm.." aku jwb tu je, sambil pandang tmpat lain. Tatau la sbb pe, aku xleh la nk maafkn die, smpai skang aku still x bckp ngan die lg, pdehal on9 nh pn pkai laptop ngan broadband die(haha). aku rs 2-3 taun lg leh kut aku ckp blk ngan adik aku nh, skang nh xleh lg la, gua masih membara ngan sikap die dlu.

haa satu lg, de gak sorg kwn aku nh, aku membara gak ngan die sbb dh melukakn ati aku yg halus nh(haha). tapi sbb da knal lme kn, raye aritu aku msg je la slmt ari raya maaf zahir batin sume kn, just as tanda ingatan je la. Lpas tu die pn balas blk, mule bls 1 msg, aku wat bodo je la, xde intention nk men msg ngan die pn, maybe die x puas ati lg kut aku x reply, die anta lg msg, sme je, aku wat bodo gak, raya kedua die msg lg, tnye aku dpt msg ke x, sbenanrnye aku dpt msg ko, sj je aku bo layan, nnt kalo aku msg ko blk ko ckp ble ssh je aku cr ko, mls la aku nk srabutkn kpale ngan ko. jiwa aku da la ngah kacau nh. so ko jgn bimbang k, aku mtk maaf byk2 n aku pun maafkn ko, just aku x berminat nk brkawan rapat ngan ko je skang nh. Aku kn ske mrajuk, mrajuk lak mesti nk lama2 bru de kick kn.

psl awek? malas r nk cite..haha dh xde dh nk cite cmne kn

blabla~

"If u love something let it go, if it comes back to u, its urs forever, if it doesnt, it was never meant to be" nh ayat yg mmbe aku bg. Well done n well said bro(haha). Aku admit stiap bait kata2 ko tu btol, mcm biase la kn ajal maut jodoh pertemuan sume kt tgn tuhan. Ko bguling melompat2 cmne pn kalo da bkn jodoh ko nk wat cmne kn. The truth is we are men. Skang nh maybe kte ckp yg awek tu yg kte nk, she is really the one, she's the love of our life. Seboleh2 nk jgk kn, laki nh bnde yg x dpt or ssh nk dpt yg die nk sgt tu. Ske kn cabaran bru la maksud laki sbenar kn. But then ble da mnghadapi situasi cmnh, awek nk tgk muke ko pn da x lalu, mule la kn mngglabah, mcm2 nk wat supaya awek blk smula. Kol ari2, follow up die pnye perkembangan, cbe igtkn die btapa kte appreciate sume kenangan yg prnah ada, kte cbe btau dorg kte x pnah lupekn dorg dgn harapan dorg pn akan igt same bnde2 tu, cbe btau dorg we feel like shit when they dump us, it's not ok for them to have new bf while we are still suffering because of them, we still love them, we miss them every single day. So in the end, we try to prove to them we are willing to wait. Dengan harapan 1 ari nnt, ati dorg akan trsentuh ngan kesanggupan kte tuk menunggu then balik smula kt sisi kte. Bahagia gle kn jd cmtu.

Realitinye lak, skang nh dh de org lain ngah bahagiakn dorg, ko rs die peduli ke ngan ko pnye kenangan, ko punye tunggu sume tu? Seriously kalo ade org cite mslh nh kt aku, nasihat aku lupekn je n cr lain, pe ssh, ape nk diharap pada yg x sudi kn? Tp ble da jatuh atas batang idung sendiri aku xleh lak nk wat cmtu. Pelik kn? Ckp je pandai, suh wat btol2 da terpinga2. Well as long as aku ada feeling nh lg aku akan tunggu, i'm not worthless u know. But in the end mne la nk tau jodoh kte ngan spe kn. tp kn bro, dr aku knal ko dlu, ko mmg baik punye org, spe yg xnk ko die mmg rugi gle sbenarnye, ko xde la perfect mne pn, tp bg kategori laki aku rs ko laki yg baik. 1 thing i can tell u, she said deep inside she still love u. so pandai2 la ko(haha).

to tell the truth, up until now pn aku still confuse lg. ye la akal ckp lain, ati ckp lain, ari2 kje bertengkar je, sudahnye terkontang kanting aku kt sini. satu solution pn tarak, bikin kepala berat lg ade la. jum kte ikuti pertengkaran mereka:

akal : dia dh ada org len, hang cari laen la.

ati : tp aku nk dia.

akal : dia dh happy ngan org lain la.

ati : aku pun leh hepi kn dia.

akal : dia bkn nk hang dah pn

ati : aku akan tuggu dia

akal : sampai bila?

ati : smpai bila2

akal : c'mon la bro, pikiaq sket, hang igt berbaloi ka kalo tunggu? hang tunggu dia, hang igt dia nk tunggu hang?

ati : err..

akal : ari2 duk tringat kt dia, hang rasa dia igt kt hang ka?

ati : erm..

akal : pompuan bkn dia sorg ja, besepah lg kn?

ati : mmg bsepah, tp x sama mcm dia.

akal : knapa nk yg mcm dia?

ati : da mmg syg kt dia

akal : dia bkn syg kt hg.

ati : err..

akal : cari laen la, xpn x yah cari langsung, lepak sudah.

ati : tp duk tringat lg nh.

akal : lupakn sj, apa nk dikenang pada yg x sudi?

ati : arghhh..nk gak!!

step 1.

haa lebeyh kurg cmnh la ari2, lpas tu mule la belek fon. "nk kol ke xnk?" pastu dail, "tett..tett..tett.." xdak org angkt, "frust".

step2.

akal : duk kata dah dia mmg tamau kt hang la.

ati : dia busy kut.

ulang step 1.

ulang step 2.

ulang step 1.

ulang step 2.

last2 tertidoq. well kalo ari2 mcm tu fedap gak kn, then aku cuba tuk resist dari memegang fon. apa yg ssh sgt nk lepaskn sbenarnye nh kn? bkn pe aku takot, kalo2 peluang tuh masih ada n then aku give kt tgh jln. haa rugi kn? tu kata ati aku. well org kata ikut ati mati kn. sebtolnye aku pkai akal la kn, i know my limit, i'll stop when i have to. i believe that within these few years i've done everything that i could possibily do. it takes two to tangO right? kalo sorg2 dh tntU la laNgkah aku akan sumbaNg. aku xnk trus melangkah ngan sumbaNg!

Honesty VS Sincerity

Tatau mcm mne nk ckp dh, ssh btol la kalo da tlebeh feeling nh, pantang lonely sket mula la nk mnulis. Da mcm pmpn dh aku nh, asyk ckp psl feeling je. Tu la dlu duk kl p cr 1 umah ngan bapok, bajet nk duk umah kemas2,cantik2, xnk yg setinggan2. Pastu duk follow blog akak senduk lak, ala blog bapok tu. Cite die klaka gle kut,rugi la kalo x bce kn. Tp last2 tgk la ape jd, aku lak duk mnulis mntang nh. Bg sume org bce lak tuh. Aku dh rs sdikit pondan dh(haha). Nk wat cmne dh duk sini bosan kn, lgpn best pe tulis2 nh, xde la aku mengalami kemurungan yg melampau pastu wayar short pastu bunuh org. Tgk brita smlm, yg semelih anak sendiri tuh? Kalo die tulis sume bnde yg kusutkn otak die aku rs xde la wayar die putus kn. Stress nh kalo salurkn ikut saluran yg btol xde hal pnye la kn.

Ok abih merepek, cite die psl hasil muhasabah diri ataupun sesi termenung aku lam bas masa on the way nk g masjid selat kt bdr melaka td. Ms lalu tepi kuari tanah kt mne tah aku ternampak buldozer@jentolak, lpas tu aku tpikir, b4 nh kalo involve in any relationship, x kesah la kwn ke, awek ke, skandal ke, aku mtk 1 je. Honesty@ kejujuran, mksudnye prangai ko busuk cmne pn jgn mnipu aku sudah. Ckp direst je x yah selindung2 sbb aku pcaya yg aku boleh handle kbenaran. Yg aku xleh handle hanyalah kbenaran slepas penipuan trkantoi.

Recently, aku dapati de 1 value lg yg penting sbenarnye. Sincerity. Kalo kte ikhlas wat smthing or bkwn ngan smone, god willing smuanya akan bjalan lancar. Org ckp pe tu, aaa bkwn biar ikhlas la xyah nk de udang sebalik mee ke chakoteow ke, walopon udang tu sedap, tp kalo duk sebalik mee ke batu ke cmne nk mkn kn. Kalo btol kita ikhlas nk bkawan kn xde la drpd duk bkwn elok2 trus jd musuh kn. Nh sume jd kalo kte wat smthing nk kne ada kpentingan utk diri sndiri. Selfish nh bgus gak kdg2, tp biar di tmpt yg btol n ms yg btol la. Sme la cm lam politik, aish nh yg mls nh, da membebel smpai politik lak, smpai esok x abih nh. Ok2, main point die, ikhlaskn la diri ble bkwn, jgn smata2 tuk kepentingan peribadi je. Sekian sj hasil sesi termenung aku lam bas td.

emotion breakdown

actually i wrote this one few weeks ago but couldnt publish due to some dificulties. nothing much just things that been bothering my mind that particular time, it's been so hard before that i have to write all of this just to keep my sanity, otherwise i would turn crazy in no time and maybe jump into the ocean attempting to commit suicide. thank god i found this new hobby which is writing and exposing my own self to the public, so i dont have to kill myself anymore(haha). just bear with me for sometimes ok.

Its been 3 weeks already since the 1st time i set my foot here. Everything starting to smooth out as time passed by. The mix feeling, confuse and all sort of negative thought slowly fading away. I admit that i wasnt so sure if i have made a good choice to be a seafarer, the high pay in this career keeps motivating me to overcome every doubt that i have. I really need this kind of job, i like to spend money as much as i love to earn them. Although my job required a lot from me,still i think it will all worth it if 1 day i could live in big bungalow, driving luxurious car. It's true that some people think that money is not everything but for me, lots of money can ensure the comfort of my family. If i were to be married to a lovely lady that i love, i want to be able to provide her with everything that money could buy in this world. Seeing programs like bersamamu in TV really upset me, watching the hardship of women raising their child, i couldnt even imagine my mother being in that position. So i dont think my purpose being here for money is wrong at all. The second highest pay in this world is to be a seafarer, of course airplane pilot got higher pay.

breaking up is tough, luckily my routines here is fucking pack. So i dont blame her at all for the failure of our relationship. I would never have time to entertain her as i know girls need an awful lot of attention, being here as a cadet wouldnt allowed me to be an attentive boyfriend. Keep holding on to her would makes us suffer anyway. I keep treating her as a girlfren but at the same time her heart is not for me.it will just make things worse. I keep consulting my self with such word, the reality is i still couldnt believe that things already over between us. All the memory we had together keeps playing in my mind and i start asking questions "does that means nothing to her?". My heart is aching thinking the possibilities of her answer. There were times when i didnt expect anything from her, after my 1st relationship failed, i got angry with all the girls, i think that they all cannot be trusted, always sneaky behind boyfriend and flirting with all sort of guys. So i figured the very second time i shouldnt expect much because at the end i know the same things will happen again, it is hard when u get involve with such beautiful girl(haha). Anyway, as we spend times together my feeling got attached, we were together in the name of firendship, we never declared to be a couple. I dont mind that as i know even in the name of frens our act is way out of friendship thing, between a guy n a girl there's no such thing as frenship la, at least that is what i believe. I dont really trust her at first, but last year when i have to go on mission in Gulf of Aden because of the pirates, she cried for me. It really moved me, that is the very 1st time a pretty girl is crying for me. My heart melted like an ice cream in a hot sun(haha). So i sailed leaving my heart to her. Almost a month later i returned back to malaysia, we keep in touch like usual and then 1 day she said she's coming to visit me. I coulnt believe it, is this for real?i kept asking her that. The journey itself from her place to Lumut took at least 5 hours by bus, and she have to change between buses 3 times before she could reach me. That kind of action i find it really meaningful, so that day i've decided that i'm hers forever. Not just 1 time u know, in fact several times she came to lumut just to see me. I always look at her in disbelief when we were alone in the car, i still couldnt believe that she is so closed to me at that time. When she noticed that i was watching her, i would just smile to her and she will make her sweet confused face(haha). There were 1 time when the car that i rent broke down in the middle of heavy rain, i was sightseeing with her at Setiawan. Luckily the car went dead not far from a workshop, so in the heavy rain i went out to ask for help. After pushing the car into the workshop, i got wet because of the rain. Then she took her handkerchief that she just bought and began wiping my face with it, at that particular time i swore i could feel her love. My heart was trembling. I lost to her love T____T. i remember two occasion that takes place earlier this year, it was the time that i've seen her laughter the most. when i got interview for alam, she accompanied me to kl, we had a really great time together, of course it was not that long as we arrived in the morning and she went back at the same night. she even iron my shirt,the one that i'm going to wear for the interview, it seems like nothing for some people but it means a lot to me, a great motivation to go through such interview. then during chinese new year, i went to the hot bath at ulu lenggong with her, because of there were too many people we couldnt get into the bath, somehow that night turns to be very pleasant for me, i take her too the beach and we spent time together chatting and joking around. when she laugh at every stupid jokes i made i feel so happy. i was the luckiest man on earth who get to see such a beautiful girl smile and even makes her laugh. i'm proud of myself because of that. Time flies very fast, i think its been almost 2 years already since me and her became "frens". When she said that she have someone else last week, my heart collapse. Everything in this world seems unreal anymore, how can i live when part of me is missing already. Everything that i've work up untill now is wasted already. Why would i force myself to live in a regimental life?why would i choose to sail around the world? If the reason i did that is no longer exist.

Now I Know

During the heat n optic class, i came to realize something. I was so blind before that i couldnt even see what's really happening just in front of my eyes. Of course i didnt mean it literally happen in front of me but the fact is, it does happen. Maybe because i'm afraid to admit that the fact is true, i purposely clouded my judgement and shut my eyes close. The thing is, who wants to get hurt? However the harder i tried to deny it, more painful i will be. Ok what the hell i'm talking about out of no where? Here is the story, for the past few weeks i've been torturing myself with beautiful memories that i used to have. I even start asking question whether all the memories is only worth for me?does the other party not effected at all? Does all the time we spend together is meaningless for her?

Ok, one particular important thing that i miss out here, all the memories, all the time spend together, all the laugh, all the conversation, all the night phone calls, all of her smile, every single things that relate us together, there were all in the PAST. I used to have them before, i had my chance already, somehow it didnt turn out very well and it didnt last as long as i imagined it would be. I came to realize that the present should be the priority now, er if it's not for me, at least for her la. Why should i ask her about all the memories that we had together if she's living a happy life right now? Why should she even remember them? I mean the past is already gone, right? What matters now is the present life. As she is living a good life now, i'm leading what kind of life? Well that is the question i'm still working on. Hope i would find an answer soon, otherwise i will keep on living in the past, if i cant live a happy life now just let me live in my beautiful memory where i have everything, i'll wait untill happy face came knocking on my door again. If this is torturing, i'll live by it maybe it will make me stronger in the future, who knows(haha).

cerita2 org

/smlm ms prep mlm mak aku kol, lepas tnye kabar lebey2 kurg mak aku tnye, ade org asing x kt tmpt aku nh?lupe lak nk cite kt mak aku sblum nh,so aku sebut la satu2 warganegara asing yg ada kt sini. mak aku tgejut. "biaq btoi, muhong sgt aih" kata mak aku dlm nada tgejut smbil gelak2. lepas tu mak aku tnye lak pompuan ade bpe ekoq?. sungguh berbudi bahasa mak aku kn?(haha) "ada la lam 10 org dr 165" slumber aku jwb, "yg dr luaq?". "nh lam kelas ceq ada sorg dr india". "haa,awat x tackle?". "haish..kalo cun cm juhi caula xpa gak". mak aku gelak pastu passing kt abah aku. lepas bg salam je abah aku ckp ,"hg igt hg elok sgt ka?siap tamau kt org lak". "ceq mmg hensem pn,tgk muka ar". "org prasan cm hg ja kata muka sndri elok". "kalo ceq x elok,abah lg x elok, nh turun drpd abah la nh". "abah laen la,mmg smart" slumber je abah aku cover. hampeh. pastu mcm besa la, abah aku bg motivational talk sket. aku pn ye kn la sume. "awat abah kol hg td x dpt?". "td ceq tukaq simkad broadband la"."oo..igtkn hg angkt bila mak kol sj, hg suma lebeh kt mak, lpas nh hg suh mak msk duit kt hg lak xyah mtk kt abah"."mmg la kna lebeh kt mak, nabi suh lebehkn mak,bknnya abah". tu la sdikit sbyk intro. Cite sbenarnye psl aku lepak2 ngan senioR 2-3 ari lpas, snior nh kire lam kategori kadet tua gak la sbb asal usul b4 die msk sini, lebih kurg aku je, so walopn kbanyakan snior kt sini msih lg bdk ingusan, yg aku lepak mlm tu adalah yg tua pnye la,stok bapak budak dh level die. byk input aku dpt; tp scara totalnye lbih kurg kapal aku dlu, cume gji lebih sket,belit lebih sket n kje snang sket. ble da sme2 laki nh smbang topik pmpn Msti naek pnye, die tnye aku de awek x? "bru lpas break senior",jwbku ikhlas. "bgus la" npe lak snior nh ckp bgus? Die btau aku yg kaLO ade awek nh wat skt pala je;byk bnde lg nk pikir, ngan kje blayar lg, awek nh wat beban je. lam ati aku (ceh mcm la aku X pnah naek kaPAL). smlm lak ms klas, lecturer aku merangkap ex-captain kapal tmbulkn soal nh. nasihat die jgn trlampau attaCh sgt ngan pmpn nh; pnah jd kes officer trjun kapal sbb frust. ye la;mmbe sume duit byk2 singgah negara luar g enjoy pkai kete beSar, yg die nh lak idup kemut gle, saving dUit nk kawen konon;brenti rokok, minum sume smata2 tuk kawen kn. laSt2 ble trun kapal nk kawen tunANg da ikut laki lain. dA la duit byk abis dh tuk tunang tuh, msk kapal la kne kutuk ngan membe2;krew2 sume, frust awek lari lg, mmg trjun laut la kn. so lect aku ckp;jgn trlampau attach sgt ngan pmpn nh, biase2 suDah; kalo kne tnggal cr laen. better; ade stok stanDby(haha). sO aku tpikir gak, org ckp org kje laut nh jht,kuat main pmpn. tp judging from previous inCIDent, aku rs bkn slh dorg gak kn?kn? ade 1 lg citE pSl officer snior aku; dIE CKp kt bini die b4 g blaYar "ko kalo nk mnggatal ngan jantAN mne pn pegi la;tp ANAk2 tnggal kt aku" so bini die pn x brani. tu kata2 snior aKU la. Kata2 aku lak, kalo da kawen leh la ckp cmtu,ngan awek xkn nk wat cmtu? de sorg lg lak ckp psl bnde nh pg td, warden aku, die kata pmpn nh racun n penawar. tnjuk pkai jari je laki bleh mnari(HAHA). tp motip dorg nh sume sme je, jgn nk trlmpau lyn sgt feeling2 nh, dh kje duit bsepah nnt xde hal pnye. "ko bleh bli jodoh ko" bak kata snior aku.(haha)