Its been 3 weeks already since the 1st time i set my foot here. Everything starting to smooth out as time passed by. The mix feeling, confuse and all sort of negative thought slowly fading away. I admit that i wasnt so sure if i have made a good choice to be a seafarer, the high pay in this career keeps motivating me to overcome every doubt that i have. I really need this kind of job, i like to spend money as much as i love to earn them. Although my job required a lot from me,still i think it will all worth it if 1 day i could live in big bungalow, driving luxurious car. It's true that some people think that money is not everything but for me, lots of money can ensure the comfort of my family. If i were to be married to a lovely lady that i love, i want to be able to provide her with everything that money could buy in this world. Seeing programs like bersamamu in TV really upset me, watching the hardship of women raising their child, i couldnt even imagine my mother being in that position. So i dont think my purpose being here for money is wrong at all. The second highest pay in this world is to be a seafarer, of course airplane pilot got higher pay.
breaking up is tough, luckily my routines here is fucking pack. So i dont blame her at all for the failure of our relationship. I would never have time to entertain her as i know girls need an awful lot of attention, being here as a cadet wouldnt allowed me to be an attentive boyfriend. Keep holding on to her would makes us suffer anyway. I keep treating her as a girlfren but at the same time her heart is not for me.it will just make things worse. I keep consulting my self with such word, the reality is i still couldnt believe that things already over between us. All the memory we had together keeps playing in my mind and i start asking questions "does that means nothing to her?". My heart is aching thinking the possibilities of her answer. There were times when i didnt expect anything from her, after my 1st relationship failed, i got angry with all the girls, i think that they all cannot be trusted, always sneaky behind boyfriend and flirting with all sort of guys. So i figured the very second time i shouldnt expect much because at the end i know the same things will happen again, it is hard when u get involve with such beautiful girl(haha). Anyway, as we spend times together my feeling got attached, we were together in the name of firendship, we never declared to be a couple. I dont mind that as i know even in the name of frens our act is way out of friendship thing, between a guy n a girl there's no such thing as frenship la, at least that is what i believe. I dont really trust her at first, but last year when i have to go on mission in Gulf of Aden because of the pirates, she cried for me. It really moved me, that is the very 1st time a pretty girl is crying for me. My heart melted like an ice cream in a hot sun(haha). So i sailed leaving my heart to her. Almost a month later i returned back to malaysia, we keep in touch like usual and then 1 day she said she's coming to visit me. I coulnt believe it, is this for real?i kept asking her that. The journey itself from her place to Lumut took at least 5 hours by bus, and she have to change between buses 3 times before she could reach me. That kind of action i find it really meaningful, so that day i've decided that i'm hers forever. Not just 1 time u know, in fact several times she came to lumut just to see me. I always look at her in disbelief when we were alone in the car, i still couldnt believe that she is so closed to me at that time. When she noticed that i was watching her, i would just smile to her and she will make her sweet confused face(haha). There were 1 time when the car that i rent broke down in the middle of heavy rain, i was sightseeing with her at Setiawan. Luckily the car went dead not far from a workshop, so in the heavy rain i went out to ask for help. After pushing the car into the workshop, i got wet because of the rain. Then she took her handkerchief that she just bought and began wiping my face with it, at that particular time i swore i could feel her love. My heart was trembling. I lost to her love T____T. i remember two occasion that takes place earlier this year, it was the time that i've seen her laughter the most. when i got interview for alam, she accompanied me to kl, we had a really great time together, of course it was not that long as we arrived in the morning and she went back at the same night. she even iron my shirt,the one that i'm going to wear for the interview, it seems like nothing for some people but it means a lot to me, a great motivation to go through such interview. then during chinese new year, i went to the hot bath at ulu lenggong with her, because of there were too many people we couldnt get into the bath, somehow that night turns to be very pleasant for me, i take her too the beach and we spent time together chatting and joking around. when she laugh at every stupid jokes i made i feel so happy. i was the luckiest man on earth who get to see such a beautiful girl smile and even makes her laugh. i'm proud of myself because of that. Time flies very fast, i think its been almost 2 years already since me and her became "frens". When she said that she have someone else last week, my heart collapse. Everything in this world seems unreal anymore, how can i live when part of me is missing already. Everything that i've work up untill now is wasted already. Why would i force myself to live in a regimental life?why would i choose to sail around the world? If the reason i did that is no longer exist.
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